BELONGING- A PERSPECTIVE ON SELF-OWNERSHIP
One author I greatly appreciate is Brené Brown, an American academic, researcher, and author who is curious about human connection and its relationship to shame, guilt, courage, vulnerability, empathy, and leadership.
I am in my third read of her book Braving the Wilderness.
It shakes me to the core, and I reread passages to deepen my understanding and turn it into practice.
The subject of Belonging puzzled me initially because my relationship with it was rooted in abuse and trauma.
This essay is about my transformation and rebranding of my relationship with Belonging.
Belonging, in its truest form, is an intimate journey of reclaiming the self.
For many of us, the concept of belonging was once intertwined with possession—a skewed notion instilled early on, often by those who wielded control over our bodies, minds, and even emotions.
For me, growing up in a household where “belonging” equated to being owned, my existence felt dictated by others. My body, my time, and even my thoughts weren’t mine.
This sense of being "owned" infiltrated every aspect of my being, leaving me with an almost constant need to examine my thoughts, to ensure that the voice inside my head is truly mine.
Trying to fit in was a form of survival, a protective mechanism against the invasive influence of others’ desires and expectations.
In that environment, my heart was the one place I still owned, even though my feelings were often suppressed or deemed inappropriate.
I wasn’t always allowed to feel what I felt.
There were limits on the range of emotions I could express.
Yet, beneath this suppression was a pulse that was always mine—a knowing that somehow, I was different, perhaps even meant to resist this oppressive form of belonging. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, to conform, I always felt "off."
My mind was tuned to see through the superficial and insincere, and my mouth quickly called it out.
This led to trouble, isolation, and a lack of connection with others.
I now recognize this tendency to disrupt the norm as an unconscious way to free myself from the oppressive form of belonging that required the enslavement of my true self.
Today, my understanding of belonging has evolved. The concept still carries an element of ownership, but now, it is self-ownership.
To belong anywhere, be it in a place, a group, or even a moment, is not to surrender yourself to others.
It is, instead, about taking full possession of yourself—your body, your mind, your emotions—and showing up for yourself in every situation.
This kind of belonging is grounded in self-love, self-acceptance, and self-authenticity. It requires the courage to stand firm in who I am, and in doing so, become whole.
People are drawn to this wholeness, to the confidence and authenticity that radiates from someone who possesses themselves entirely.
What I find ironic is how society often casts “self-possession” in a negative light.
In a world that prioritizes fitting in, self-possession is seen as selfish, arrogant, or even antisocial.
But I see it differently.
Self-ownership is the antithesis of conformity, and this is where true belonging begins.
To truly belong is to gather oneself whole and present oneself fully. It is to exist without leaking parts of oneself to please others, without dulling our edges to fit into someone else’s mold.
When we live this way—whole and self-possessed—we belong everywhere because we no longer need external validation to feel complete.
The need for approval, for permission to be who we are, fades away. Instead, we become rooted in the ownership of oneself, and it is in this act of self-ownership that true belonging emerges.
Belonging is not about finding a group or a place that accepts us as we are; it is about accepting oneself first. It is about arriving at a place where we no longer seek to fit in but rather seek to be fully present as ourselves, unshaken by the pressures of conformity.
In this sense, belonging is less about external circumstances and more about internal alignment. It is about reclaiming what was always ours: our body, our mind, our time, and our thoughts.
The paradox is that once we stop trying to fit in, once we own ourselves entirely, we begin to belong everywhere.
We realize we never need to conform or compromise our essence to find belonging.
All along, the key to belonging was self-possession—the conscious decision to reclaim the pieces of us that others once tried to control.
In the end, belonging is not about finding a place where others accept us. It is about finding ourselves and accepting ourselves so deeply that no one else’s opinion can shake us. We become our own anchor, grounded in self-love and self-ownership. It is in this act of radical self-acceptance that we truly belong.
Here's a good example of the difference between fitting in and belonging from an artist's perspective:
I have been an artist from a very young age. My love of making images and telling stories started as early as I could make marks with a pencil on a piece of paper.
Yet, I did not make it a consistent practice and the focus of my career life till my 50s.
Before that, I convinced myself that it was an impossibility because art does not put food on the table, and I was not accomplished enough, did not have the level of education needed, etc, etc.
Whenever I made art, I preoccupied myself with whether it was good enough or marketable.
I made art to please others. And I imitated other artists a lot.
Besides, I dedicated myself to playing the roles I thought were necessary to be a complete, well-adjusted, member of society.
I was trying to fit in.
It took me a while to find my own language and my own brand of expression.
But once I mined myself for the images that resonated with me and stopped worrying about what others thought of the art I made, a new path emerged and I recognized myself in it.
I took possession of that path and now I have collectors who tell me I tell their story through my art.
What better compliment and affirmation of the value of self-ownership, and of belonging, could there be!?
So, whoever, and whatever you are, gather yourself honestly, with love and compassion, and take possession of your whole self so that you don't need to fit anywhere, yet belong everywhere.
In what ways have you been trying to fit in?
How do you feel you belong?
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